Dear Mik and Mike: I think I may have gone too far. I’m twenty-five, single, and I really have a thing for firefighters. Last Saturday night after a fruitless night on the dating sites I called 911 and told them I was feeling lightheaded and thought I might be having a heart attack. There’s a really cute firefighter at the station a block from my house and I was hoping he was on that night. Well… the guy showed up, but so did the ambulance and the police. My house was crawling with men. They took me to the ER and I had to have an EKG and get a friend to pick me up. Now I have a huge bill and still no date. Do you think I should go by the firehouse and leave him a thank you note?
First of all, stop wasting my tax dollars. I pay firemen to respond to disasters, not lonely women with Factitious disorders (defined by the DSM IV as the act of faking an illness by deliberately producing, feigning, or exaggerating symptoms) Secondly, did it ever occur to you that your shenanigans may be putting someone’s life in danger? What happens if these guys are on a call—to you—while Mrs. Henderson is down the street is suffering an aneurism while clicking helplessly away at her Life Alert button? So why not give those boys down at the station something real to contend with? I advocate setting your house on fire. And be sure to do it from the second or third floor to increase your chances of being carried down a ladder by your dearly beloved. In fact, you could even be the progenitor of an entirely new disorder: Love Arson.
That has to be one of the most pitiful moves I’ve heard in years. You’re nothing but a Hose Ho’. After you pay off the hospital bill buy yourself some firefighter turnout gear and stash it in your closet for the next time you have a live guy in your bed. The boots, the hat, the jacket – I have to admit I love the heroic look myself — it’s so much more manly than Spiderman’s metrosexual squeezy outfit. But get real! Badge Bunnies who love the knight in the shining helmet don’t get a lot of respect. Is that what you want?
Photo by Nicolas Jolliet
