Dear Mik and Mike: My ex-wife and I have been divorced for two years. We’ve both moved on and have been involved with other people, but since we have two daughters, we still own a house together where she and the kids live. My ex called me last Saturday to tell me that there was a fire in the bedroom and that whole corner of the house needs to be rebuilt. Fortunately my girls were with me that weekend. When I asked her what happened she was very evasive, so I pressed. She finally confessed that she and a new guy were having sex and at a critical moment she threw some pillows that were bothering her on the floor, accidentally knocking over the candles she had lit for “mood”. It took them a few minutes to notice the pillows, the rug, and the curtains were on fire, at which point they ran out of the house, naked, to the neighbors’, where they called 911. True to form, my ex is trying to make it the guy’s fault and she wants him to pay for a hotel for her and the deductable for the insurance. I’m a little torn. Part of me feels bad for the guy for getting involved with her, and the other part says he deserves it. For the sake of my girls, should I just pay for everything or should I see if for once my ex-wife’s “fund-raising” pays off?
Do you ever find yourself saying to her, “Don’t let the doorknob hit you!” Apart from having a cordial relationship with her for the sake of your kids, and ponying up your child support, do you really need to get involved? Let your insurance pay for it, offer to keep the kids, and give thanks she’s your ex. Fire Guy might be happy he dodged a bullet!
Dear Sir: Extending yourself to help out that mad-woman is bad enough, but taking pity on the sap she’s sleeping with brings matters to entirely new, icky levels of co-dependency. (co-dependency: Taking care of someone else at the expense of your own well-being.) Here are some more really good reasons to stay out of this one altogether. You have no control over your ex-wife and really you ought to keep it that way. And without going on a Family Systems tirade, I will say simply that less chaos in your life is almost always better than more. That is, throwing your hard earned money at the situation is bound to create more problems than you bargained for. What’s going to happen the next time your ex gets herself into a bind? Who is she going to turn to? And what are the chances that your daughters will be around to witness it? Will you want to deal with that mess? Will they? Also, giving your ex cash is a sign of approval. “Honey, so long as you’re having orgasms, it really is okay to burn the house down.” What will she do next? And do you have flood insurance?
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