Dear Mik and Mike: I have a dating advice question for you. I know it is very basic and you are probably asked it a lot. I did not see a FAQ page so here I am live in living color. Anyway, in my younger years I was very successful with women. Granted, I had to work for it so to speak, it was never easy, but with my hard work and diligence I was always able to land a hot babe so to speak. When I hit about forty I got into a long-term relationship. During this time I did not flirt or practice my techniques for interacting with women at all. Also during this time I picked up a few extra pounds, lost some hair, and had other notable changes that come with getting older and hitting 50. My girlfriend and I broke up a year ago, mostly due to me. But that is not what I am here to ask advice about. What I want to ask you is, how and where do I jump back into the dating game? I have been getting demolished on the online dating sites. It is very rare when anyone writes me back and when they do it is not someone I am even remotely attracted to. I am shy as I know many men are and frustrated. Any suggestions where and how to start over? I love to bike, but I’m not meeting anyone on the trails or in the streets or at cafes. Probably because I do not initiate conversations. I like to eat sushi but have to go alone so it is embarrassing. I am embarrassed to be single so I do not even go to certain places at certain times (like movies) because I do not want to be seen “by myself”. I asked a cute girl for directions yesterday when I was on my bike, or at least tried to and she acted like I did not exist! So now here I am writing to you. What do I do??? Dumbfounded
My advice is that you take a good long look at yourself. Make a list of your positive attributes as well as your negative attributes. You’ve listed some negatives but I think you will probably find there are some positive ones you haven’t looked at or aren’t acknowledging. Asses which areas in life you have strength and balance. You need to feel good about yourself, or at least at peace with who you are, as you may have heard me say before. It’s much easier to make moves from the place of a peaceful, honest person rather than a desperate, negative person. So do the work, the investigation, the self-help it takes to find what you need to make peace with yourself and your life. Mik doesn’t like the online dating and I have to agree with her on this one. It’s a very limited medium and you can’t really get the spark that shines in someone by looking at a photo online. It’s just not there, and it’s not fair. You are what is keeping you from meeting someone, not the lack of an available person. Once you realize and really get this you are on your way to some new discoveries and positive options.
As the old saying goes, “There’s a lid for every pot”. This was brought home to me when my loser of an ex-husband became involved with a reasonably normal woman soon after our divorce. When I look around I see attractive people coupled up, fat people coupled up, old people, all kinds of people in couples. So regardless of your mid-life changes, there is doubtless someone out there who is just perfect for you. The online dating process, as Mike pointed out, can serve to make you feel worse about yourself if you don’t “show” well online. Consider that some people have professional photos taken and a consultant writing their bios for them. The average person just can’t compete! I’m a big believer in like attracts like. If you’re looking for a 25 year-old super model type, you will be sadly disappointed. If you’re open to a woman who is in your age range and might have a couple of extra pounds like you do, then I think there are many, many possibilities for you. This reminds me of a story. Many years ago I was friendly with a single man in his late 30s who had no job, lived in Section 8 housing, was odd-looking, and smelled like the small rodents he kept as pets in his place. He hadn’t dated in years because he was holding out for the super model. Given his quirkiness and eccentricity, he was actually attractive to a number of women, who were also a bit quirky. He didn’t even see them. It’s been at least ten years, and he’s still a lonely goat. Turn off the computer and go say hello to two strangers today.
