Triggered by Boyfriend’s Female Friend

Angry woman Dear Mik and Mike: Back in my twenties, when I was with my now ex-husband, we were invited to the home of a Filipina woman, the high-end kind who has the maid who sleeps on the floor. She lived in our condo complex, but on a different floor. She was having a dinner party and we went over in the afternoon to socialize before the dinner. While there, I played with her daughter, for whom I had brought a gift, and helped out in the kitchen chopping veggies and so forth. We went back to our place and as it turns out, I was not invited to the dinner, only my womanizing ex, who as it turns out was also sleeping with the woman. So… I helped prepare the meal like a servant, and had to stay upstairs. It’s my own stupidity that I did not dump him and run at the time, but my therapist was not yet in business.

Fast forward to today when I got an email from the female friend of my live-in boyfriend. The original email was to him and her sister, planning a bike ride on her birthday for the three of them, and then a dinner at her place at 6:30 where I was assigned to bring the salad. I did not get the original email, but I guess she remembered me and then just forwarded the one in which I was plainly omitted. To say I was triggered is mild. I was shaking with rage. I know I’m triggered by the original event, but now I don’t want to go to her stupid birthday. What do I do?

Mike avatar

Show up looking drop-dead sexy. If she’s excluding you from the scene, chances are she’s into him. On other hand, if you want practical advice, I would ask you to focus on your boyfriend rather than the bitch on the bicycle. I would ask your boyfriend why it is he holds exclusive relationships with other women—romantic or not. His connection to her, such as it is, is a grave insult to you and your relationship with him. Having a boyfriend with female friends is one thing, but having a boyfriend with female friends who actively exclude you is a totally separate issue.

Mik AvatarMale dogs pee on things to mark them as theirs. I’ve always thought it’s an excellent strategy. I like Mike’s advice about showing up looking sexy, but I would tone it down a notch in this instance and just wear some hot shoes. Great shoes have a way of showing up a rival like nothing else. Make your boyfriend bring the damn salad! It’s his friend and you’re no servant. If you follow this advice, you’ll be setting some healthy boundaries. After the dinner, you need to find some time for a good heart to heart with your boyfriend. He needs to set his friend straight.

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