Why are there so many stupid things that make me anxious? I function successfully in an adult world and I’m not OCD, bipolar, depressed, ADHD, or Type A (that I know, let’s be honest). And yet, there are many things that make me pause, avoid activities, and make excuses to people who then think I’m being anti-social or don’t like them. The brutal truth is, sometimes they’re right! I don’t want to be anywhere near them. But back to my anxieties. I’d like to share with you a very incomplete list of what makes me sweat:
- I will be forced to learn how to ride a motorcycle, and be judged by my inability to change the gears. Or brake.
- I will smile and laugh with great abandon and joy, with something green stuck in my teeth, especially in a work situation.
- I will go to a different food store and face an unfamiliar credit card machine, especially if it’s a natural food kind of store. I’ll be judged for not going there in the first place.
- I go back to cycling, writing, or playing music after some time off. I know for certain, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I can’t do it anymore, and what’s more, I was a fraud back when I was doing it well.
- Movies or TV shows where people lose all their money.
- Inability to poo while traveling, or finally having to poo but being faced with a crowded public restroom. With someone waiting for the stall.
- What if I enthusiastically tap my foot to the music in the wrong place?
- Texting an auto-correct typo that has anything to do with sex, especially in a work situation
- I will fail to unclip from my pedals and fall off my bike in an intersection. Um… did that. If the asphalt could have opened up and engulfed me…
- I will not make enough money and my friends will despise me. I will make too much money and my friends will envy and despise me.
- Anything to do with farting
- I won’t understand a term that everyone else does. Like Dutch oven. I’m an immigrant and sometimes it shows at the worst times.
- Finding a dead termite in the house. Especially if it looks very full of digested wood.
- I will use out of date slang like “That’s the bomb”. How stupid does “Far-out” sound?
- I will spit when I talk. Especially in a work situation, on someone who will be paying me.
- I inadvertently, and not ironically, wear something from the 80s.
- I will step in poo, and rather than shuffle my sole in the grass or scrape it against the curb, hoping no one will see, I will leave both shoes at the site of my shame and continue on barefoot.
- No one will invite me out for a meal because I’m a “I don’t eat this, I don’t eat that” gluten-free, vegan pain in the ass. They will find out I really am a food snob, and it’s only half about my health.
- My oldish, but paid for car will self-destruct if I drive too far from home, cross a bridge, or if it’s raining hard enough to use the fastest wind-shield wipers.
- If I catch someone staring at me, they’re not thinking “She’s so hot”, they’re thinking, “What an effing freak.”
- I will mispronounce a common word, and use it knowingly and confidently.
- Anything to do with bus, plane, or ferry schedules.
- Will I have muffin top?
Artwork by Mariana Zanatta
